…Well, now that I have set the intention & started out towards this new journey the doubts are following me around. Is it my own stuff? Am I just sabotaging my life? Is it my habit of always wanting to start a new? Will I really be better off? I am no longer a ‘spring chicken’ so will men like me for who I am now? Wishing to disguise my ageing exhaustion. Pretending I can do the same as the 25 next to me. Stepping forward anyway & hoping my feet do touch some solid ground…
Lovely to see you here Kim… thank you for showing up and saying how it is for you. I hear you darlin’. Stepping forward anyway, as you say, is I think, human prayer in action… what else can we do, except keep going until we run out of breath… love to you xx
Hi Caroline. My old friend Fanny Behrens directed me to your blog after reading a post I’ve just uploaded to mine. It seems that we inhabit – some of the time, anyway – the same broad territory. Not a happy place to be, but clearly both of us are determined to try to put some flowers in the window whilst we’re here! My blog a/d is: http://sisyphusascending.wordpress.com I look forward to reading your reflections. Blue skies! Dick Jones
I have spent time exploring this site, reading, listening, and being touched deeply by your words. I am impacted by the beauty of how you express your enquiry and your experience, your wisdom, and all you have been through. Thank you for posting your writings and your videos. It is a privilege to read and watch them. I also feel so privileged and also downright delighted that I have the opportunity to be in contact with you. Sending love as we approach 2021.
Hi Caroline, fancy a cuppa and a chat? 🙂 I like ginger tea at the moment…not too hot…
I’ve just read your recent blog. As always such a succinct and eloquent piece of writing about a subject (relationship to depression) which is not talked about may be because if you do you fear the depression talk will be contagious and your end up depressed yourself!! It doesn’t work like that but like any taboo subject people will fear it.
As for me, I am grappling with my own constant ruminating thoughts borne from fear…how to not following them and instead be more in the present moment.
How right you are. Having this illness, depresion seems to make you fair game for people who have never felt it’s icy fingers, to treat you as if you have a choice in this and you just need to “be more posive”. Being negative is a symptom of the illness just as spots are a symptom of measles. Makes you feel even less adequate. My favourite is “well, happiness is a choice and you are chosing to live a misrerable life”. Or, not allowed to say how you feel because they are uncomfortable with emotional honesty and so the circle of people you know reduces because some days you can’t fake being ok and don’t want to be with people who make you feel worse than you already do.
Hi Caroline, just thought i would share, there are remarkable results with psychedelics for depression these days…..i get the sense you may benefit if opportunity allowed
Blessings
friendly stranger
Adam, B.T engineer directed me here. Was listening to Leonard Cohen the whole time he was here and he didn’t seem to mind ! I also live with depression, kind of thought one day i would grow out of it but a pensioner now and still is steadily trying to destroy me but i keep fighting back. Your words are inspiring and make me feel less isolated and alone. Hope it is ok to post here
You are most welcome here, all you are is welcome… this is not advice, because I am only able to speak of my own pilgrimage, but I found myself wondering about the pain of trying to be somewhere that is not your true location in that moment, be it a long or short moment… what about staying right where you are, as kind as you can muster… from that place it gets simpler to let the ones that need you to be somewhere you are not fall away, and cultivate the ones that can love you anyway, and not try and fix you because you don’t need fixing… you are already here, broken and whole like all the other humans, though I deeply appreciate that the country I speak of is less populated, it is populated … you are not alone. There is good company to be had.
Thank you for replying. This is my first experience with a blog. not very good with technology but this feels like a step forward. You have a wonderful inspiring way with words. I do feel very alone but am trying to take on board your words. As you say, not as advice, but a tool to try to me out of this dark and very frightening place. i have much i want to say but the monkeys that chatter constantly in my head make it very hard to focus. But hope i will be able to, today is a particularly bad one and i don’t know what to do with this pain. I look at what i can find that i good, my three beautiful cats, music and the very few people that don’t jusge or give me stupid unasked for advice. Been battling wthis all my life and think i know the answers but the brain will not work to put them into place. Thank you for giving me this space and i hope you are ok
thank you, Sweetheart, I have been in much, much, too much busy… not my right or balanced or preferred ground, but something rather shocking happened over the last months and I am coming to terms with it, settleing what it unsettled and feeling the weird but true gratitude for being trown into a terrible, embodied experience of the horror of the very begining of my little life.
It has meant, much settling of those long homeless feelings, as well as in the upper world being a very berry, focused and and self-loving adult that has to put right a catastrophe that came from a hard but needed lesson. From an 8n year love storyb with an epic blind spot… saying these things, because I would have just reached out to squeeze you hand, sooner if not for this temporary journey through so much there has not been much of a beat of space… just so you know that you are not speaking into a void… and I’m sure it’s not only me that’s listening. You speak for many who are silenced.
Postcards From The Window Ledge 
How fab that you’re doing this Caroline! Love that you’re offering and I hope receiving such love and connection xx
…Well, now that I have set the intention & started out towards this new journey the doubts are following me around. Is it my own stuff? Am I just sabotaging my life? Is it my habit of always wanting to start a new? Will I really be better off? I am no longer a ‘spring chicken’ so will men like me for who I am now? Wishing to disguise my ageing exhaustion. Pretending I can do the same as the 25 next to me. Stepping forward anyway & hoping my feet do touch some solid ground…
Lovely to see you here Kim… thank you for showing up and saying how it is for you. I hear you darlin’. Stepping forward anyway, as you say, is I think, human prayer in action… what else can we do, except keep going until we run out of breath… love to you xx
I’m here.
Floating on your words and between them.
Love,
Sally
This act is beautiful and very important , takes a lot of courage and boldness.
Well done , and thank you!!
Hi Caroline. My old friend Fanny Behrens directed me to your blog after reading a post I’ve just uploaded to mine. It seems that we inhabit – some of the time, anyway – the same broad territory. Not a happy place to be, but clearly both of us are determined to try to put some flowers in the window whilst we’re here! My blog a/d is: http://sisyphusascending.wordpress.com I look forward to reading your reflections. Blue skies! Dick Jones
I have spent time exploring this site, reading, listening, and being touched deeply by your words. I am impacted by the beauty of how you express your enquiry and your experience, your wisdom, and all you have been through. Thank you for posting your writings and your videos. It is a privilege to read and watch them. I also feel so privileged and also downright delighted that I have the opportunity to be in contact with you. Sending love as we approach 2021.
Hi Caroline, fancy a cuppa and a chat? 🙂 I like ginger tea at the moment…not too hot…
I’ve just read your recent blog. As always such a succinct and eloquent piece of writing about a subject (relationship to depression) which is not talked about may be because if you do you fear the depression talk will be contagious and your end up depressed yourself!! It doesn’t work like that but like any taboo subject people will fear it.
As for me, I am grappling with my own constant ruminating thoughts borne from fear…how to not following them and instead be more in the present moment.
Kindness to you and me x
dear Kim, I only just saw this… I’m so sorry if you felt unseen. You were, but not knowingly. Love to your life from mine, and kindness as ever xxx
How right you are. Having this illness, depresion seems to make you fair game for people who have never felt it’s icy fingers, to treat you as if you have a choice in this and you just need to “be more posive”. Being negative is a symptom of the illness just as spots are a symptom of measles. Makes you feel even less adequate. My favourite is “well, happiness is a choice and you are chosing to live a misrerable life”. Or, not allowed to say how you feel because they are uncomfortable with emotional honesty and so the circle of people you know reduces because some days you can’t fake being ok and don’t want to be with people who make you feel worse than you already do.
Hi Caroline, just thought i would share, there are remarkable results with psychedelics for depression these days…..i get the sense you may benefit if opportunity allowed
Blessings
friendly stranger
Adam, B.T engineer directed me here. Was listening to Leonard Cohen the whole time he was here and he didn’t seem to mind ! I also live with depression, kind of thought one day i would grow out of it but a pensioner now and still is steadily trying to destroy me but i keep fighting back. Your words are inspiring and make me feel less isolated and alone. Hope it is ok to post here
You are most welcome here, all you are is welcome… this is not advice, because I am only able to speak of my own pilgrimage, but I found myself wondering about the pain of trying to be somewhere that is not your true location in that moment, be it a long or short moment… what about staying right where you are, as kind as you can muster… from that place it gets simpler to let the ones that need you to be somewhere you are not fall away, and cultivate the ones that can love you anyway, and not try and fix you because you don’t need fixing… you are already here, broken and whole like all the other humans, though I deeply appreciate that the country I speak of is less populated, it is populated … you are not alone. There is good company to be had.
Welcome & Love
Thank you for replying. This is my first experience with a blog. not very good with technology but this feels like a step forward. You have a wonderful inspiring way with words. I do feel very alone but am trying to take on board your words. As you say, not as advice, but a tool to try to me out of this dark and very frightening place. i have much i want to say but the monkeys that chatter constantly in my head make it very hard to focus. But hope i will be able to, today is a particularly bad one and i don’t know what to do with this pain. I look at what i can find that i good, my three beautiful cats, music and the very few people that don’t jusge or give me stupid unasked for advice. Been battling wthis all my life and think i know the answers but the brain will not work to put them into place. Thank you for giving me this space and i hope you are ok
thank you, Sweetheart, I have been in much, much, too much busy… not my right or balanced or preferred ground, but something rather shocking happened over the last months and I am coming to terms with it, settleing what it unsettled and feeling the weird but true gratitude for being trown into a terrible, embodied experience of the horror of the very begining of my little life.
It has meant, much settling of those long homeless feelings, as well as in the upper world being a very berry, focused and and self-loving adult that has to put right a catastrophe that came from a hard but needed lesson. From an 8n year love storyb with an epic blind spot… saying these things, because I would have just reached out to squeeze you hand, sooner if not for this temporary journey through so much there has not been much of a beat of space… just so you know that you are not speaking into a void… and I’m sure it’s not only me that’s listening. You speak for many who are silenced.
Sending love xx